Hello everyone and welcome to my blog. Chances are the majority of people reading this are from the AW Forum, so welcome AW’ers. For those of you who don’t know AW you should check it out. It’s a rather fun little forum with writing folk. This post is part of the January Blog Chain, this month’s theme a Winter Nightmare. So let me introduce you to my story (i warn you, it’s rather dark)…
Her memory is like the bitter, sharp cold of the freezing wind outside. It tries to be invisible, and in summer it is, yet now I can see it… I can see its destruction against the leaves. Attacking people’s faces, the excruciating pain wrapping itself around their unsuspecting eyes, creating havoc and leaving behind nothing but despair. I can feel their pain, their need to come inside and escape the cold. Yet there is no escape, it lingers on in the bones, reminding you… taunting you of what once was.
The warmth of the coffee cup, black and sugarless like her heart, it heats my hand. Yet I still feel numb. Why does my whole body feel lifeless and empty? Why, after all this time do I still see her in my reflection? The darkness of outside illuminates my face in the window but all I see is her! She keeps the fight going despite being so far away. She told me she was leaving yet she never did. I can still see her dark brown eyes, the elegance and thoughtfulness teasing me, reminding me of the beginning and hiding the hurt she had in store.
Her memory lingers below my skin, it eats away at me…I want to tear it free, pull it out and heave it at the cold, dripping window. Yet it doesn’t matter how much I scratch it remains, the cold throbbing feeling of her touch, the bitter sharpness of her skin. I long for you to be gone, but my longing for you to return outweighs it. I know its torture, I know as long as I feel this way the torture will remain. Each day bringing knew pain, a pain I once thought impossible, but now…today… is real.
Another battering gust attacks at the pain of glass, the shattering vibrations ringing up my cheek, the cold just inches away now. Why do I keep looking, why do I allow myself to look outside and imagine I’m one of them? It’s in the past; it’s the me I used to be. That person has gone, the hopeful, ambitious being has long since left, packed his bags and moved to somewhere new and brighter.
This place is in the midst of winter and I have no idea if it will ever pass. The long dark days linger and taunt me each and every time. I imagine what it used to be like, how the sun once shone down. I seem to remember it being warm and comforting, often too tight and claustrophobic. Yet surely that is better! Surely the idea of too much is better than nothing at all. Surely the idea of someone being close is better than being so alone. Alone here in this house once filled with laughter and hope, an ambition filling the walls, part of its foundations, filling the cracks between each layer of brick.
Now it’s lonesome and empty, the echoes drifting through the hallway and brushing the wallpaper we once put up together. I remember the day; the bright light shining through, smudges of paint filling our cheeks. Playful… flirtatious… it felt so good. It was if we were children playing outside, greeting each other for the first time and allowing one another to enter our lives. How long ago was it? Was it recent? Was it so long ago that the memory will soon vanish forever?
Part of me hopes it will. Part of me hopes the memory will die, along with the hope and the ambition. Outside is where the hope belongs, outside; in the summer time is where all the ambition will reside. Winter is for despair…cold, dark despair that lingers under your skin.
It tries to cheer you up, give you a glimpse of light with Christmas trees and children laughing. I remember once loving it, along with so much else. Yet now it feels fake, a corporate affair of hypocrisy and denial. Why put such a holiday in the midst of the cold and aching bitterness. Why not save it for sunlight, for a time when we can rejoice. You taunt us with happiness, it’s unattainable, why try kid us into thinking anything but.
My head now hurts, the aching sharpness of the freezing outside seeping through the glass, attacking my head and roaming further, deeper inside. It joins the rest of my numbing pain, but at least I can no longer see the outside. With my eyes closed I can focus on within, a place where maybe one day I’ll feel something again. I’m tired of this, all of it. When will you leave me? Will I always feel this way?
I have vague memories of feeling like this before, a long time ago, a time when I was much younger, barely a real person at all. It felt vaguely like this, like I’d never recover again. Yet this feels worse, this feels more real. Was that merely preparing me for something further down the line? Was its only reason to exist to warn me of something much worse, a warning to stay away from the hurt and avoid it all together?
Don’t worry, for this time I will listen. This time I’ll be aware of my premonition, for I will never feel like this again. If I survive it through the darkness, into the spring and further into the heat, then I’ll learn from it. I’ll cling to the hate, let it engulf me forever and warn off advancing hope. The torture will remain in me for future times of need, a reminder to stay away and never allow this nightmare to come back again!
There you go guys, hope you like it. Please look at the fellow Blog Chain peeps below. Click on them and interact with some cool folk
orion_mk3 - http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to this month’s post)
MamaStrong - http://writingofme.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
pyrosama - http://matrix-hole.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
LilGreenBookworm - http://themayhemofwritingsahm-style.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Domoviye - http://lets-get-happy.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
writingismypassion - http://charityfaye.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
kimberlycreates - http://www.kimberlycreates.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Abielle Rose - http://stainedglassinthenight.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Proach - http://desstories.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Suzanne Seese - http://viewofsue.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Alpha Echo - http://aprilplummer81.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Diana Rajchel - http://blog.dianarajchel.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Ralph Pines - http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Alynza - http://www.alynzasmith.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Literateparakeet - http://lesliesillusions.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
areteus - http://lurkingmusings.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Picture By R Scott Photography